We are reading Conversations with God, by Neal Donald Walsh in Book Club. During book club one of the lovely souls made a comment. She said, ‘I have been married for 35 years to a wonderful man. I am very happy in my marriage.’ She then added, ‘I am not happy because I have been married for a long time, but I have come to realise that it is because, I am happy within myself, that I have been married for 35 years, and as a result, my marriage is a happy one.’.
This distinction is so important.
3 years ago, had someone made this comment, I would have nodded my head and not fully understood. I was always on the quest, searching for answers, but it seemed the more I searched the more the answers eluded me. That is until I had my hero’s journey – just after covid, my relationship to the love of my life imploded, and I thought I would never be happy again. 3 years later, I have never been more happy and more at peace in my life, and when this lady made this comment, it immediately resonated with me.
50% of the population are securely attached, and this means, they can easily make this statement about their relationships. They do not need the relationship to be happy, they are happy and therefore their relationships bring them fulfilment.
So what are the signs of secure attachment?
In Children – Secure Attachment
Expressing comfort and security when their caregiver is present: Children with secure attachment feel safe and at ease when their caregiver is around. This is because they have learned to trust that their caregiver will meet their needs and provide comfort when necessary. This sense of security allows them to explore and engage with their environment more confidently.
Showing distress when separated from their caregiver, but easily calming down upon their return: When separated from their caregiver, securely attached children may experience distress or anxiety. However, they are able to quickly soothe themselves once reunited with their caregiver. This demonstrates their confidence in the caregiver’s availability and responsiveness.
Seeking comfort from their caregiver when distressed: Securely attached children feel comfortable seeking comfort from their caregiver when they are upset or distressed. They rely on their caregiver for emotional support and reassurance, knowing that their needs will be met in times of distress.
Being able to explore their environment freely, knowing their caregiver is nearby for support: Securely attached children feel confident exploring their surroundings because they trust that their caregiver is nearby and available if needed. This freedom to explore fosters independence and confidence in their abilities.
Displaying a balance between seeking comfort from their caregiver and exploring the world around them: Securely attached children demonstrate a healthy balance between seeking comfort from their caregiver and engaging in independent exploration. They know they can rely on their caregiver for support while also feeling confident in their own autonomy.
In Adults – Secure Attachment
Feeling comfortable with emotional intimacy and closeness in relationships: Adults with secure attachment are comfortable with emotional intimacy and closeness in their relationships. They are able to form deep connections with others based on trust, mutual respect, and open communication.
Having trusting and supportive relationships with partners and friends: Securely attached adults have trusting and supportive relationships with their partners and friends. They feel confident in their relationships and believe that they can rely on their loved ones for support during both good times and bad.
Feeling secure in themselves and their worth, even when facing challenges: Securely attached adults have a strong sense of self-worth and security, which allows them to navigate life’s challenges with resilience and confidence. They are able to maintain a positive self-image and bounce back from setbacks.
Being able to communicate openly and honestly with their partner, expressing their needs and feelings: Securely attached adults are comfortable expressing their needs and feelings to their partner in a clear and honest manner. They value open communication and strive to maintain healthy, constructive interactions in their relationships.
Having a positive view of themselves and others, and being able to handle conflicts in a constructive manner: Securely attached adults have a positive outlook on themselves and others, which enables them to approach conflicts with maturity and empathy. They are able to resolve conflicts effectively and maintain the integrity of their relationships.
The opposite of a secure attachment is an unsecure attachment.
There are three types of unsecure attachments – in adults:
Anxious Attached:
Feeling a bit like a human barnacle, anxious attached individuals often crave constant reassurance and closeness in relationships. They may worry about abandonment and tend to fear rejection, leading to a rollercoaster of emotions in their interactions.
Avoidant Attached:
Ever heard of the “independent adventurer”? That’s the avoidant attached type! These individuals value their freedom and independence above all else. They might seem emotionally distant or prefer to keep relationships on a superficial level to avoid getting too attached.
Disorganized or Anxious-Avoidant Attached:
Imagine a relationship seesaw constantly teetering between “come closer” and “stay away.” That’s the disorganized or anxious-avoidant attached type! These individuals often struggle with conflicting desires for intimacy and independence, leading to unpredictable behaviour in relationships.
Signs of Unsecure Attachment in Children
Anxious Attachment: You might notice children who cling tightly to their caregivers, fearing separation. They may get super upset when separated, even for short periods, and struggle to calm down even when reunited.
Avoidant Attachment: Now, these children might seem like they’re all about independence. They might avoid or resist physical contact, seem indifferent when their caregiver leaves or returns, and generally downplay the importance of relationships.
Disorganized (or Anxious-Avoidant) Attachment: This one’s a bit of a mixed bag. These children might display a confusing mix of behaviours – they could seek comfort from their caregiver one moment, then push them away the next. It’s like they’re caught in a tug-of-war between seeking comfort and fearing rejection.
The Secret to Everlasting Love is Understanding how the Separation Occurs as the beginning of inner child parenting.
Children come into this world deeply connected to their inner being, intuition, or source – call it what you will. They’re like little bundles of joy, laughing easily and trusting their instincts from the moment they open their eyes. But as adults, we often instil fear in them, teaching them to be cautious, warning them against trusting strangers, and dampening their natural inclination to trust their inner guidance on one end but on the other end there are worse extremes.
Children are like sponges, soaking up everything from their surroundings, especially from the adults who care for them. Initially, they rely on us for nourishment, both physical and spiritual. But over time, as they grow, they become increasingly dependent on us to feed their spirits, too. Unfortunately, in this process, many children are taught to trust their inner being less and less.
You can see this reflected in the behaviors of insecurely attached children, who often exhibit less trust in their caregivers compared to securely attached children. It’s as if they’re looking to the adults in their lives to show them how to navigate the world, but instead of fostering trust in themselves, they learn to rely more on external validation.
In later blogs, we’ll delve deeper into the beauty of the inner being as a guide, exploring how reconnecting with our innate wisdom can transform our relationships and our lives. For now, let’s understand that the journey from insecure attachment in childhood to secure attachment in adulthood often involves reclaiming that trust in ourselves, allowing us to find happiness within and bring that joy into our relationships.
One of the most exciting discovering I found, after my relationship imploded and I begun my journey of self discovery was, that In our journey towards everlasting love, we uncover a beautiful truth: by parenting our inner child, we pave the way for profound connection and enduring relationships. When we learn to embrace the wisdom of our inner being, say for example by meditating daily so we can learn to look within for answers, we learn to trust ourselves deeply, fostering a sense of inner security that radiates outward.
As we parent our inner child with kindness and empathy, we create a solid foundation for genuine attachment and intimacy. By acknowledging and honouring our inner being’s guidance, we break free from old patterns and embrace a future filled with love and fulfilment. With each step we take towards self-discovery and healing, we draw closer to the everlasting love we that all seek. In other words, we start looking for love in the right places, inside ourself.
In conclusion, our journey towards parenting our inner child and cultivating secure attachments is a transformative one. At the Wellbeing Concierge, we’re dedicated to empowering each other to reconnect with our inner being, trust our intuition, and set intentions for the present based on the future we envision. Through the guiding principles of Nguzo – Mwangaza (The Visionary Manifestor), Mawasiliano (communication), Imara (Resilient Manifestor), and Ukarimu (Nurturer) – we embark on a path of self-discovery and healing.
If you’re seeking personalised guidance on your journey to self-discovery and inner healing, book a strategy session with us today. Let’s embark on this transformative journey together and unlock the abundance of joy and fulfilment that is you, your inner being and your inner child have been waiting for you to unleash.
Remember, the key to thriving lies in nurturing the relationship within and embracing the wisdom of our inner being. Take the first step towards a more intentional and fulfilling life – we’re here to support you every step of the way.
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