- If you have been in a relationship that seemed to be going well and then suddenly imploded as if out of nowhere.
- If you have been in a relationship that starts off well and then descends into a cycle of fights and arguments that do not seem to get resolved.
- If you say to yourself you want a peaceful relationship but always seem to have drama in your relationships. In other words, a peaceful relationship seems dull and you seem to only feel alive when there is drama.
- If you cannot seem to get into a relationship or move past the first few dates t
If all or any one of the above has been your experience in the past chances are that your wounded inner child is in the driving seat in your relationships. I want to reassure you that- it is not your fault and neither is it your Wounded inner child’s. Then whose is it, why can you not just find and experience love and feel like you belong? Let us explore this further:
The trouble with a wounded inner child is that they usually live life in extremes, they either see problems before they happen and this being the case, you will find a ‘neat cocoon wrapped around you’ so no one can hurt you, or get too close for too long, or they give too much, with the hope that the other person will not leave, which causes the person to loose respect and of course leaves. The inner child inevitably creates the situation they are avoiding because they exist in the fear that the event should not happen and by focusing on this, they create a situation where indeed the situation they fear unfolds.
The way the wounded inner child ‘shows up’ will depend on the particular type of wounded inner child you are dealing with.
Which are the 3 Types of ‘Wounded’ Inner Child?
Anxious Attached Inner Child
This little part of us tends to cling on tight, always fearing abandonment or rejection. It’s like that friend who constantly texts ‘Are you mad at me?’ after every hangout, seeking constant reassurance and struggling with trust issues.
Avoidant Attached Inner Child
On the flip side, we’ve got the avoidant inner child who’s all about independence and keeping their distance. They might seem emotionally unavailable, quick to withdraw when things get too close or intense. It’s like trying to hug a porcupine – they’re just not ready to let their guard down.
Fearful Attached Inner Child
This one’s like a rollercoaster of emotions, swinging between anxious clinging and avoidant distancing. They want closeness but fear it at the same time, caught in a constant tug-of-war between wanting connection and fearing rejection.
Understanding these inner child types can shed light on our relationship patterns and help us navigate them with more awareness and compassion.
So, which one do you resonate with?
Each of the 3 above inner child has a feeling they constantly feel in the pit of their belly. They get so used to this feeling as anything that is an emotional extreme usually triggers this familiar feeling. This feeling is fed by three lies that the inner child tells itself. These three lies are:
- I am not good enough
- I am unlovable
- I cannot cope
How exactly do these show up in relationships?
Recall our previous exploration into how if your wounded child is an anxious attached you will often find yourself drawn to avoidant or fearful partners in relationships and vice versa? If you’re curious about why this dynamic occurs and how it plays out, be sure to check out our earlier blog for an in-depth dive into this fascinating topic: How to identify Sabotage by Your Inner Child in Your Relationship – My WellBeing Champion
Let us identify 5 Common Negative Relationship Patterns, that expose the above lies.
Lack of Boundaries and People Pleasing:
This is like having an invisible sign on your forehead that says, “Walk all over me.” You’re so afraid of upsetting your partner that you let them dictate your life. Your needs take a backseat as you bend over backward to make them happy, often at the expense of your own well-being.
Jealousy and Controlling Behaviours
Ever feel like you’re in a cage, with your partner holding the key? Jealousy turns into possessiveness, and suddenly, innocent interactions become grounds for interrogation. You find yourself constantly checking their phone or stalking their social media, desperate for reassurance but suffocating the relationship in the process.
Fear of being alone – or fear of being abandoned
The thought of solitude sends shivers down your spine. You’d rather stay in a toxic relationship than face the uncertainty of being single. You cling to your partner for dear life, even when their behaviour is clearly affecting you but rather than rock the boat, or learn the skills to communicate your needs, you keep accepting or you lash out, fearing that without them, you’re nothing. Or you constantly feel you are walking on egg shells and loose yourself in the relationship.
Fear of Intimacy or deep relationships
Getting close to someone feels like walking into a minefield. You put up walls to protect yourself, keeping your partner at arm’s length emotionally. Opening up means risking rejection or betrayal, so you keep things surface-level, never letting anyone truly see the real you.
Trying to Fix, Change or Save Partners
You’re on a mission to be the relationship superhero, swooping in to rescue your partner from their flaws or past traumas. But here’s the harsh truth: you can’t fix someone, each soul has a path to walk on, that they choose to come forth to expand to. It is not up to you, to find and fix their flaws. That is not love. Your efforts will only breed resentment and frustration, leaving both of you feeling helpless and unfulfilled, for it is not our role to fix another.
Who is the inner child? How does our Inner child become wounded?
Between the ages of 7 – 13, an event happens in a sensitive child that affects them emotionally. It could be a huge event, an abuse, or parent passes away, bullying, a teacher is especially hard on the child, family goes through divorce. Or it could be an event that to someone might not seem as life altering, the family move to a new place, best friends go through a horrible argument and break up, a new child is brought to the family.
Either way this event causes the child to feel emotional pain, and they make a vow, a promise to themself that he or she will never experience this again, the child will ensure moving forward they are safe and they feel that no one was there for them. What is especially important to recognise is that earlier on, if there was distance between the caregiver and the child, this could have been the start of the emotional separateness but the event is usually what creates the pivotal moment.
What then happens later in life is that every time something happens that triggers this emotion, or a similar emotion, the inner child comes in as a ‘superhero’ to protect the person – so they do not get hurt. But of course the inner child, is just a child and needs you to be the parent to your inner child.
Why do we develop the above Negative Relationship Patterns
On of my greatest revelations was when I learnt that, we choose to come forth in this world and we are much more than our physical body and our physical senses. The other was that we choose our parents and every single experience we go through in this world. This profound teaching changed everything for me. I was able to accept and take 100% responsibility for my life, parent my inner child. When my inner child was in charge, I used to constantly yoyo between the ‘stuff’ happening in my life and the past and always wished my parents had been more emotionally available so I could have more perfect relationships.
Control and the need to always know what is going to happen
When the inner child is wounded, and in charge, we tend to live in the past, and emotions become big and scary. Anytime we have our emotions triggered whether really strong positive ones or really strong negative ones, we associate them with something outside of ourself. The inner child is therefore alert, and wants to control any outcome to ensure that ‘it’ experiences high positive emotions all the time and never any low ones, because it quite literally hurts. The way the inner child reacts is by looking for a way to literally escape, as the three lies take over.
What Role does your inner child play in each of the above Negative Relationship Patterns
Your inner child is like the conductor of a dysfunctional orchestra, directing each negative relationship pattern with precision. It’s the wounded part of you that holds onto past hurts and fears, shaping your interactions with others. In the lack of boundaries, it whispers, “You’re not worthy of respect.” With jealousy and control, it screams, “You’re not enough, and neither is your partner.” The fear of being alone or abandoned stems from its terror of rejection, while the aversion to intimacy shields it from potential pain. And in the futile attempts to fix, change, or save partners, it seeks validation and love that it never received. Understanding and reparenting this inner child is crucial to breaking free from these destructive cycles.
Here are strategies to deal with the Inner child that will unlock more positive relationship patterns.
Law of Attraction and Inner Being Guidance: Start by tuning into your inner being, your true essence beyond the wounds of the past. The law of attraction will then help to keep your thoughts flowing in that general direction. Try and tell yourself, just focus on what I want for 17 seconds and the thoughts that are on the same vibration will start to flow your way. Remember, Focus, Consistency and Discipline are all under your control and the Law of Attraction is like that helpful friend that is Neutral and gives you what you want depending on your vibration. Use the law of attraction to manifest the love and harmony you desire, trusting that your inner being knows what’s best for you.
Presence and Intentionality: Practice mindfulness to stay present in your relationships, focusing on the here and now rather than dwelling on past traumas or future fears. Set clear intentions for how you want to show up in your relationships, rooted in love, respect, and trust that your inner being is the parent your inner child has always yearned for.
Future Reparenting and Inner Child Healing: Visualise yourself as the nurturing parent your inner child never had, soothing its fears and insecurities with love and compassion. Create a vision for the future where you and your inner being are in charge, guiding your relationships with wisdom and grace. Affirmations and Visualisations are really helpful. You could say out loud an affirmation such as ‘Everything is Always Working out for Me’ and use a Vision Board to help you picture what you want. I have my vision board as my desk top backdrop – and that way every time I turn on my laptop I subconsciously tune in with what I want, but remember be easy with yourself, remembering ‘nothing is good or bad, only our thinking makes it so,’ William Shakespeare.
Conclusion: The role of Inner Work and Inner Focus:
Trust: Trust forms the foundation of any thriving relationship, but it must start within ourselves. Learning to trust oneself involves cultivating self-confidence, listening to our intuition, and honoring our boundaries. When we trust ourselves, we can better discern whom to trust in our relationships, fostering a sense of security and reliability.
Love: Love flourishes when we first learn to love ourselves. This means accepting ourselves fully, flaws and all, and practicing self-compassion. When we fill our own cup with love, we’re less reliant on others for validation and affection. Instead, we can offer love freely, without expectations or conditions, fostering deeper connections based on genuine care and empathy.
Respect: Respect begins with self-respect. It involves honouring our own worth, values, and boundaries, and expecting the same from others. When we respect ourselves, we set a standard for how we deserve to be treated in relationships. This self-respect forms the basis for mutual respect between partners, creating an environment where both individuals feel valued, heard, and appreciated.
In essence, building a thriving relationship starts from within. By doing the internal work to trust, love, and respect ourselves, we set the stage for healthy and fulfilling connections with others. It’s only when we’ve cultivated these qualities internally that we can authentically seek them from our partners, creating relationships built on a solid foundation of mutual trust, love, and respect.
In our next blog we focus on these three power words Trust, Love and Respect – we begin by looking at what they are and looking at why they are the bedrock of any inner child work and how each of these three are pivotal in conquering the three lies.
At the heart of our mission lies the incredible story of Yvonne, our founder. Yvonne’s journey has been one of resilience and transformation. She knows all too well the pain of relationship struggles and the fear of domestic violence. With her two young children by her side, she bravely broke free from heartache and hurt, in relationships determined to build a brighter future to help her boys break the generational pain.
Driven by a deep desire to understand and heal, Yvonne embarked on a journey of self-discovery. Through her own growth and learning, she emerged stronger and more empowered than ever before.
Today, Yvonne leads our charity with warmth and compassion, offering support and guidance to women facing similar challenges. Her story is a powerful reminder of the strength that lies within each of us.
If you’re ready to take the next step in your own journey of empowerment, we invite you to book a 30-minute strategy call with us. Let’s explore how we can help you thrive with intention and create the life you deserve.
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