How does the inner child seek love in romantic relationships?
Have you ever been in love?
It happens so fast!
The wonderful feeling of being connected to someone who just ‘gets’ you. Someone you can tell everything to, your Bonnie to your Clyde. The feelings are so intense that you cannot imagine ever being without this person. When you are apart, you cannot wait to be together. It does not matter what they do or who they are, everything just seems to make sense when they are around. The honeymoon period is such a heightened love. Love just makes sense.
Then just as suddenly, as the love happened, one day, that love is lost. As if from nowhere that intensity, turns sour. The hurt is deeper than anything you have ever known and it feels like you are sinking to the deepest bottom there ever existed. They say something or do something that hurts you to the core of who you are, and the world can never feel right again.
You fell in love so fast, and when the bottom came it felt like a never ending fall. Finding yourself is very hard, because you became enmeshed in the other. You completely lost yourself in love. Many people bounce back, many others are not able to move on, and are afraid to love again, or some train themselves to seek this initial high of love.
We shall be exploring why this happens, how love is found and then lost, and we shall then look at how love lost can be found and last a lifetime, when we train our inner child, to seek love from within themselves.
When the inner child is in charge; it becomes the silent destroyer of romantic relationships.
When the inner child is in charge in a romantic connection, the inner child seeks to find what it lacks within itself, in another. Phrases like, ‘he completes me,’ or ‘she is my rock,’ ‘I am looking for my partner in crime’ are common statements to look out for when the inner child is leading the relationship.
The inner child seeks ‘completion’ from another as an escape from emotions or as a source of emotional connection or validation.
Emotions to someone, where the inner child is in control are big and scary, emotions are to be feared or escaped when hurt happens, or when life feels ’empty’, or overwhelming. On the other hand love is found and the inner child is in control, it is completely embraced, as one who was dying of thirst. These extremes in romantic connections are because this is the only way the inner child is able to feel alive, emotionally.
In today’s blog we shall be discussing, the Three Lies the inner child lives under and how this ultimately leads to love being lost in romantic relationships, and a constant roller coaster of relationship drama. The Three Lies are:
- I am not good enough
- I cannot cope
- I am not lovable
Who is the inner child?
In a previous blog, we explored who the inner child is and how they become stuck, How to identify Sabotage by Your Inner Child in Your Relationship – My WellBeing Champion. When the inner child is stuck, it builds a protective wall around your emotions, to ensure that no one will hurt you, because of a vow it made when something happened in the past. It seeks to protect itself from the ‘big bad’ world of emotions and therefore shrinks from anything that it sees as ‘firing cannons of pain’ in your direction.
When the inner child opens up and finds love, it gives all control to the external cause of these ‘new lovely’ emotions. It literally lets all the walls drop, and therefore experiences such intense positive emotions and they all seem to come from this outside source, the lover, the partner, the husband, the wife etc.
You see when the inner child takes the reins, it’s like building walls around your heart, convinced that love is out of reach. Therefore when someone manages to break through those barriers and show you love, the experience is like finally quenching a long-standing thirst.
Alternatively, if you struggle with feelings of unworthiness, being acknowledged and valued by another feels like being truly seen and appreciated—you feel like you matter. Additionally, If you’re overwhelmed by life’s challenges, being rescued by someone can make you feel liberated and deeply cared for, offering a sense of freedom from your struggles.
These intensities will vary depending on the type of inner child. For example, is it one who is avoidant? Then the voice of not feeling worthy will be louder, if it is one who is more anxious, then the voice of not being able to cope will be louder and if it is a disorganised then the voice of not being lovable will be louder.
In a previous blog, I wrote about the three types of attachment style, the anxious, avoidant and the disorganised: Break Free from Negative Relationship Patterns: Embrace Your Inner Child. – My WellBeing Champion
How do the three lies connect to the different attachments styles?
What are attachment styles?
In the 1950s and 1960s two psychologists conducted extensive research and looked at how certain people seemed to present themselves in similar ways in certain situations. These psychologists were, John Bowlby, a British psychologist, and Mary Ainsworth, an American-Canadian psychologist, Read more here. They identified 4 attachment styles depending on how children bonded with their caregivers or not, as well as circumstances that affected them until they were the ages of about 7-13 years old. They also explored how this affected different people in certain situations in life this included adult romantic relationships. In other words, they looked at how some people thrived in relationships and how others did not.
They labelled these attachments styles as Anxious, Avoidant, Disorganised and Secure. See the image below for a breakdown of each attachment style and how each presents itself, and maybe you might identify yourself making it easier to begin the process of training your inner child.
It is also fair to say that no one is a constant of any particular attachment style, what makes the difference is which one is dominant in most situations, that indicates an inner child who is ruling the roost, so to speak.
Image courtesy of ‘Types Of Attachment Styles And 7 Key Influencing Factors (mind.help)‘
Let us explore the main ways these attachment styles show up in a relationship, they will follow a similar pattern dependant on their attachment style.
For simplicity I have related them to the three lies see below:
LIE NUMBER 1: I am not good enough (The Voice of the Avoidant Inner Child)
How Love is Found: The Avoidant Attachment comes across as extremely independent and self confident as they have learnt to be completely self confident. They may come across as extremely mysterious, and when they have someone as the object of their attention they love the chase, and to pursue at the start of the relationship as it gives them a sense of adventure, and control of their emotions. They therefore seek partners who are emotionally aloof. Deep down the inner child is taking control as by chasing they are the ones who will control the outcome and therefore ensure they will not get hurt. The avoidant inner child may feel deep down that they are not good enough, and someone beautiful, or someone successful is a great adventure that they can conquer, there is a smaller inner voice that also says they are unlovable, but for the avoidant the larger voice is the voice that constantly says they are not worthy and by conquering a ‘successful woman or man’ they feel they are at the top of their emotional world.
Love is lost: When the Avoidant’s object of attention is no longer mysterious, and the relationship becomes real, the inner child’s walls begin to come up as the person’s ‘flaws’ start to show. The avoidant is no longer chasing or ‘love bombing’, and as the avoidant typically attracts an anxious attached, the anxious begins to become clingy and seems controlling to the avoidant, who seeks above all to be independent. The more the avoidant seeks distance, the more the relationship seems to trap them, and as they have not learnt to sit with their emotions and communicate them in a relationship, they do not feel safe, they flee. That is how love that was found, is now lost.
LIE NUMBER 2: I cannot cope
How Love is Found: For the anxious attached, they may come across as extremely loving and giving at the beginning of a relationship. They also come across as adventurous and open to try anything their romantic partner suggests but also carefree. One of the primary lies that the anxious inner child believes is that they cannot cope. Dr Robert Firestone’s, theory, the fantasy bond describes an illusion of connection, that develops early in childhood to cope with the pain and frustration resulting from parental misattunement, neglect, or mistreatment.
Love is lost: If you ever found yourself swept up in a romantic whirlwind, only to realise later that it was more illusion than substance, that’s the fantasy bond at play, where we substitute real connection with a superficial sense of security. For those with an anxious attached inner child, this pattern can feel all too familiar. We might cling to the idea of love as a lifeline, seeking constant reassurance and validation from our partners. But beneath the surface, there’s a deep-seated fear of abandonment driving this behaviour. It’s like we’re trying to fill a void within ourselves by latching onto someone else, hoping they’ll provide the stability we crave. But true security comes from within, not from depending on others. Recognising and breaking free from the fantasy bond is key to cultivating genuine, fulfilling relationships.
LIE NUMBER 3: I am not lovable
How Love Is Found: In the initial stages, the disorganised attached often find themselves entangled in a passionate whirlwind of love, typically with either the anxious or avoidant attached inner child. This love affair is often characterised by intensity, fuelled by the disorganised inner child’s longing for acceptance and connection. They may feel like they’ve finally found someone who understands them, filling the void they’ve carried for so long with profound affection and understanding.
How Love Is Lost: However, when challenges arise or conflicts emerge, the disorganised attached inner child insecurities and fears start to surface, leading to a breakdown in the relationship. They may struggle to maintain the intense connection they once felt, grappling with feelings of unworthiness or fear of rejection. As a result, they may distance themselves emotionally or act out in unpredictable ways, ultimately leading to a gradual erosion of the once vibrant love they shared.
Identifying the Lies in Romantic Relationships:
When Choosing Partners:
- Anxious Attachment: You might find yourself gravitating towards partners who offer constant reassurance or validation, seeking someone who can fill the void of self-doubt and uncertainty. You may overlook red flags or warning signs in favour of the immediate sense of connection and validation they provide.
- Avoidant Attachment: You might be drawn to partners who value independence and autonomy, seeing them as a way to maintain emotional distance and avoid vulnerability. You may prioritise partners who are emotionally unavailable or distant, mirroring your own fear of intimacy.
- Disorganised Attachment: You may find yourself attracted to partners who embody both the qualities you desire and fear in a relationship. This ambivalence can lead to intense but volatile connections, as you struggle to reconcile your need for closeness with your fear of being engulfed or abandoned.
When Settling Into the Relationship:
- Anxious Attachment: As the relationship progresses, you may become increasingly clingy or possessive, seeking constant validation and reassurance from your partner. You might interpret minor disagreements or moments of distance as signs of rejection, fuelling your insecurities and amplifying the belief that you are not worthy of love.
- Avoidant Attachment: You may start to withdraw emotionally or create distance in the relationship, fearing that intimacy will lead to loss of independence or control. You might prioritise self-reliance over emotional connection, pushing your partner away when they attempt to get closer.
- Disorganised Attachment: In the initial stages of the relationship, you may experience a rollercoaster of emotions, swinging between moments of intense intimacy and periods of withdrawal or detachment. This unpredictability can create confusion and instability in the relationship, making it difficult to establish a secure and trusting bond.
How to Identify the Lies (Anxious and Avoidant):
- I Can’t Cope: Notice when you feel overwhelmed or anxious in the relationship, and challenge the belief that you are incapable of handling challenges or adversity.
- I Am Not Worthy: Pay attention to moments of self-doubt or feelings of inadequacy, and remind yourself of your inherent worth and value as a person.
- I Am Not Lovable: Recognise when you seek external validation or approval from your partner, and work on cultivating self-love and acceptance from within.
How to Identify the Lies (Disorganised):
- I Can’t Cope: Notice when you feel overwhelmed or emotionally deregulated in the relationship, and explore healthy coping mechanisms to manage stress and anxiety.
- I Am Not Worthy: Reflect on moments of self-sabotage or self-destructive behaviour, and challenge the belief that you are undeserving of love and happiness.
- I Am Not Lovable: Pay attention to patterns of seeking validation or approval from your partner, and work on building self-esteem and self-compassion to cultivate a more secure sense of self-worth.
Training Your Inner Child:
I first learnt about inner child work, from the Wu Wei Wisdom teachings, a movement run by David Lee and his wife Alex Lee. I was going through a rough path in my relationship, and I knew I loved my partner very much, but some how, we had come to such a disconnect in our relationship. The disconnect was such that it physically hurt, and I developed panic attacks. I knew something was off. My search for an answer led me to listening to the Wu Wei Wisdom teachings, and learning about the inner child. Through this journey I trained as a coach and changed careers, which helped me heal my relationship with myself and my inner child allowing my inner being to take centre stage.
One of my pivitol learning happened when I realised that the melt down happens once the inner child is convinced of each of the three lies. If the person does not go through a process of introspection and begin to parent their inner child, subsequent relationships bring more hurt, engraving these lies even more in the inner child, and relationships represent pain, and yet the inner child seeks love.
How love lost is found, training your inner child – Secure Attachments
Parenting your inner child is not just about nurturing your emotional well-being; it’s also about connecting with your deeper intuition, spirit, or inner being—whatever resonates with you personally.
Many of us acknowledge that we’re more than just our physical bodies; spirituality takes various forms, ranging from belief in a higher power to a sense of connection with something greater than ourselves. Viktor Frankl, in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning,” observed that finding one’s inner self leads to finding meaning in life which leads to greater satisfaction and joy. By embracing our experiences and pursuing our worthy ideals—our own versions of success—we become more secure and attuned to ourselves, ultimately finding fulfillment in life’s journey.
It is important to note that inner work is not like obtaining a college degree or qualification that we earn, and that is it, now our life takes a perfect turn.
Indeed, inner work is a constant journey of self discovery and therefore we go through highs and lows, the only difference being, when we train our inner child to feel safe, because we, the inner being, the parent is in the driving seat, we tend to go through fewer and fewer desperate highs and lows. This is because of we can catch our emotions early, put ourselves in less extreme situations and chose how we experience the different contrasting experiences of life, through developing a daily understanding on how our thoughts create our experiences and accepting ourself and others as they are, human navigating their way on this earth.
Through listening to the Wu Wei Wisdom teachings mentioned above, David always referred to the Shen, what we refer to as a part of the Spirit. It was only years later that the connection between the Shen, and inner child healing took on a different meaning. I was able to get into a relationship and communicate clearly, and also just enjoy it for what it is, without expecting it to fill a void. And also just as when a child touches a hot stove and knows that inherent danger lies in touching a hot stove, I found myself able to recognise when certain circumstances were not healthy, and communicate my boundaries with love, or avoid them altogether.
At the heart of our mission lies the incredible story of Yvonne, our founder.
Yvonne’s journey has been one of resilience and transformation. She knows all too well the pain of relationship struggles and the fear of domestic violence. With her two young children by her side, she bravely broke free from heartache and hurt, in relationships determined to build a brighter future to help her boys break the generational pain.
Driven by a deep desire to understand and heal, Yvonne embarked on a journey of self-discovery. Through her own growth and learning, she emerged stronger and more empowered than ever before.
Today, Yvonne leads our charity with warmth and compassion, offering support and guidance to women facing similar challenges. Her story is a powerful reminder of the strength that lies within each of us.
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